By Kelly
If you had asked me last month to describe the most important of my life I would have said my call to ministry. By "call" I do not mean the two minute story I break out for Presbytery meetings or scholarship applications. I'm talking about the feeling of certainty in myself, in God, and in what I was going to do.
Instead, replacing the first spot in my memory book will be my experience at a youth conference a few weeks ago. I went as a small group leader and as the week went on I also developed a reputation among the youth as a source of theological answers and (as I found out later) some comfort in the scary teenage faith limbo. It was definitely an awesome experience. I tried to answer questions as best I could, and reassure the kids that some questions were answer-less. I had my epiphany during one rapid-fire question and answer session.
I am preaching. Right now, I am preaching and not in the way I have been before: I am not sweating uncontrollably. I am not hyperventillating. I am not focused on what I'm going to say next, and yet gospel is spewing out of my mouth. This is sooooo the Holy Spirit.
And afterward, among the "thanks for explaining that"s and the "I liked what you said about"s, I saw shining, smiling, teenaged faces. Faces that I helped, just a little. Holy Crap, today I'm a minister. I can do this.
I'm going to let you all in on a little secret, and I hope my other seminarians don't mind too much.
Deep down, we all wonder if we can do "this". This, of course, is being a pastor. Note that I didn't say "become" a pastor. That is scary for its own reasons. The fear that I'm talking about is that after the exams are passed, after the diploma is in hand, after the job has been found, despite years of training.... that we will stink, that practice does not make perfect, or even compentancy. It is a fear that we can not do what we are willing to give our lives to.
There are call stories in the Bible. "Speak Lord for your servant is listening!"
There are call stories on my seminary campus. "And I realized what I've been avoiding was....."
There is a call story behind each of the Presbyristas. "Umm Lord, do I really have to go to seminary?" (that one is mine)
A call from God is invigorating, amazing, and sort of scary. It is usually met with a "YES I WILL!!!"
It is rarely met with a "YES I CAN!!!"
This is sort of strange. Because if you think about most interactions with the church, it is usually about being willing to do what you can. "You have special skills, please be willing to serve on a committee and use them." "You have a free Saturday, are you willing to spend it feeding the homeless?" For many, it is about what you're are willing to give.
Matters of faith though, are mostly about "can". Most atheists I know say they would be willing to believe in God, but they can't get past this or that. People in crisis say, "I want to find God, but I can't." Recovering addicts who are willing, must find community and aid to transform a "willing" into a "can".
Faith in God, faith in self, and sometimes faith in others are "can-do" issues.
So from now on I will define my life not as the moment when I decided I would, but as the moment when I realized that I could.
Friends what are your could vs would moments? (And do you still have them?)
Is faith a "can" issue for you?
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Kelly...this is an amazing post. I constantly learn from you :-).
ReplyDeleteYou know, it's funny because while you were in and among the people, answering deep theological questions, I was helping lead worship... feeling another "can" moment at the same camp, but for a different reason.
ReplyDeleteAs I raised my arms to call the people of God to prayer, it felt different. I didn't feel like I was being judged or critiqued like in a classroom. I felt open to the inflection of the Holy Spirit. When I stand in the pulpit, many times I feel like I have arrived, like I am home. I felt like I was at home in the pulpit this year at camp, and the Holy Spirit, though those moments, gave me the ability to do the things that terrify me. That's the beautiful thing about the moments when the Holy Spirit moves. The things that really scare people about ministry (and those are individual fears, I have realized) they are given the ability to do. It's amazing.
A beautiful post, my friend and colleague in ministry. It was an honor to see you light up as you handed that kid a page-long explanation of the Trinity or when another small group leader called you to explain to her group about theological issues. You are a minister, Kelly. Not, "you can be a minister." You ARE one. Pass your exams, get your stole, and continue teaching people about God.
FYI Everyone, Krystal Leedy owned the pulpit at Mo Ranch!
ReplyDeleteKelly, it has been a joy as your friend, as your "sister" to watch you, while terrified, step up and then revel in this journey. You flourish in what you are learning, and when I came to visit you in Austin, you spoke with this incredible passion and joy about each various subject that we discussed. It is rare to find a minister, in any denomination, that has taken as much care, consideration, and research before deciding on their own views; it is treasure.
ReplyDeleteMy own calling is to be a social worker and take everything from my life and use it. There are days that I do wonder what I have gotten myself into and if I CAN do this, but I know that I have the ability and usually think I will be pretty decent so long as I keep pushing myself to learn.
. . . Now, the will I/can I that just stands will be when will Anastasia get a doctorate?